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  1. #1
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    Talking English Jokes



    A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below. He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

    He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

    "Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"






    A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."

    "What is HAGS" the man asks.

    "It's herpes, AIDS, gonorhea, and syphilis" says the doctor.

    "Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?"

    "We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."

    "Is that going to help me" says the man.

    "No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"






    A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather who lived way out in the boondocks. After he'd spent the night, his grandfather fixed him bacon and eggs for breakfast. Noticing a heavy film on his plate and he questioned, "Grandpa, are these plates clean?"

    His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

    Later on that afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Grandpa, are you sure these plates are clean?

    Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather replied, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"

    Later on that afternoon, and feeling a bit queasy, he decided to go to a nearby town for dinner. As he was leaving, his Grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. He called out, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out."

    Without diverting his attention from the baseball game he was watching, Grandpa shouted back, "Coldwater, get your flea bitten ass out of the way!"






    In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

    Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

    "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

    The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."

    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

    "Sure will," said the old-timer.

    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

    "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

    "Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer.

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here, got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

    The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

    "No," said the old timer, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

  2. #2
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    Be Warned!!

    Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.



    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"



    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."





    The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."



    The defense attorney almost died.



    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
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  3. #3
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    A man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical. After awhile, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."

    "But doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

    After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

    Excitedly, Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

    "No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."






    Two Rednecks went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."

    "Okay," agreed one of the rednecks,"I guess seven."

    "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.

    The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the redneck. "Sorry, it's three," said the attendant."Come back and try again."

    As they walked back to their car one redneck said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."

    "No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week.






    A man went to his doctor to have his penis examined because it was hurting. After a thorough examination, the doctor told the patient: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

    "Tell me the good news first," replied the patient.

    "The good news," said the doctor, "is that we won't have to cut it off."

    "Thank God," replied the patient. "Then what's the bad news?"

    "It'll fall off by itself," replied the doctor.






    An old man and woman, after flirting with each other for years, agree to make love. One day when all the other residents are on a day out, the old man impatiently rushes to the old dear's room. Nervously, he asks her if there is anything that she prefers. She repies that she quite enjoys a bit of cunnilingus. With a big grin, the old guy goes south. However, after a few seconds, the man pops back up and says, "I'm sorry, but I just can't bear the smell."

    She thinks for a moment and says, "It must be the arthritis."

    "There's no way you can get arthritis down there," he says, "And even if you could, it wouldn't smell as bad as that."

    "No the arthritis is in my shoulder," she says, "I can't wipe my arse."






    The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside. On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

    "Jesus Christ!" he says.

    Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"

  4. #4
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    The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

    "Where're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?"

    "Nowhere, Sweetie," he says, "turn over."





    A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

    You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is."

    The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."






    Two men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos".

    The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

    The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

    "Alright. How long do you need them?"

    The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."






    A guy is walking down a beach in Saudi Arabia and sees a lamp. He picks it up, rubs it and out pops a genie.

    The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, but since I know you hate your mother-in-law I will give her twice as much.

    The guy thought about it and said, " I wish for 1,000,000.

    The genie said, "OK, but I have to give your mother-in-law 2,000,000. Poof, it was done. "What is your second wish?"

    "I wish for 50 pounds of the worlds finest gems", says the guy.

    "I shall grant your wish but I must give your mother-in-law 100 pounds of the worlds finest gems". Poof, it was done. "And your final wish would be???"

    The guy thought about it and replied, "I wish you would beat me half to death."






    A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

    The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

    "Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he’d also shit in your pants."






    Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

    "Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

    The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."






    A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"

    "Sure", said the bartender, and he did.

    "Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

    "Certainly." And it was done.

    "If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it.

    "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"

    "Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in the gas-station on the corner."

  5. #5
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    Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter told the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

    "Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

    "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.

    "Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married."

    "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

    "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

    "Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married."

    "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

    "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

    "Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

    "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."





    This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.

    The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way.

    Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel.

    The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town.

    Wet and in shock he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

    About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, "Look, Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"






    A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr Mahoney, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

    He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

    Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

    The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

    Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

    At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"






    Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

    She asks, "What?"

    "SEX!!!"

    Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

    "I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

    "Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

    Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood.Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"

    Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."






    "The nerve endings," said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her hands?"

    "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

    "Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

    "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

    "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired Gabriel.

    "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

    "Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

    "Of course. We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.

    "Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel.

    "No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand. I want her to scream out my name."






    Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

    The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

    The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'






    A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

    The cop asked, "What's he like?"

    The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."


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English Jokes